Freedom To Feel Discomfort

Change is infinite, there is no stopping it and no knowing the lengths it will go to.

What a difference a year makes. But I have a horrible habit of never being satisfied in the now.

Almost a year ago I felt complete freedom like I had never known before and I loved it. I had no university, no obligations, no strings attached. I didn’t want to settle because I wanted to experience everything and do it my own way.

But now I feel tied to the ground again.

But I am stood still in a moment that I know I don’t belong in.

I am a completely different person than I was a year ago. I am in a completely different place and I feel fake.

I feel like I am pretending.

I got comfortable. It all became so easy.

What have I got myself into?

I have cravings. I have wishes. I have dreams. I don’t want my life to go by where I am stuck in a dull and frustrating string of nothings. I have that itch for change.

I pine over the time when all I had to rely on was myself, where making decisions were made for me and me alone, regardless of what others wanted. The only person I had to impress and satisfy was myself and that fulfilled my selfish nature to the highest degree.

I talk myself in circles until I forget what I want. How do you know for sure?

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Familiar Family

I’m lucky to have the family I do.

I’ve absorbed the outlook that you will only live once so why waste it.

Live for yourself, not others.

My family don’t take life so seriously and I think that’s where I get it from. Life is for laughing at, not fighting against.

Metaphorically, I have learnt from them that I should “live every day like it’s your last” and more than likely, inevitably “don’t cry over spilled milk”, both of which I have had reiterated to me on many occasions. Basically, try things that I think are worth my time and don’t lose faith if it all goes wrong.


The motivation my father executes pushing me towards doing this is unbelievable, emphasizing that finding that starting point to take off from is the most important but finding that starting point is the hardest step.

He doesn’t want me to do things just “because”, and I don’t want to either. I want to do things because it is a path that I want to take. In the end he wants me to enjoy my life, what else do I need?

Over time I have witnessed all different types of family dynamics and it has highlighted in my mind that what I have is very rare and something I should cherish and be proud to be a part of.

I may have overlooked it before but I actually have people that are there for me always, in the good and the bad and as much as they might wish to, they aren’t going anywhere.

“You can choose your friends in life Anna, but you can’t choose your relations”… I have heard those words a thousand times and the idea used to irritate me to death, but now I am so grateful for what I have. I will always have people that help me, are there for me, back me up when I’m right and tell me when I’m wrong.

The Christian clan are all together, whatever path we each take, however different we all are, the important thing is in end we all have each other’s back.

That is something special.


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So, that moment when your card gets declined at the shop when all that you’re buying is 2 bottles of water and a packet of polos, yeah…

Yeah, that moment makes me wilt, falter and die inside.

Despite all this crap I spurt out about independence and how I need to do what I want to do, within that single moment all of that disappears.

In life I like to forget who I am, what I have and pretend I have it all. But in that second I feel trapped. Cold.

Yeah I’ll go to the cinema, yeah I’ll buy a rabbit, yeah I’ll take trips to the zoo, yeah I’ll take other random trips, yeah I’ll spend endless counts of money on petrol to get myself and others around Sheffield, yeah I’ll buy you this my friend, yeah I’ll buy you that, but I’ll just buy myself this too and on and on and on…until the money runs out.

NO. I should say no.

This is the area in my life where I certainly need to learn self control – money does not grow on trees.

People come and go and their company is something I feel less guilty about indulging myself in. But in terms of living life for myself I am beginning to realise that most things are earned, I don’t deserve them until I have earned them.

With good behaviour follows good returns.

The only issue is that voice inside my head, telling me that I can’t do it. Whatever ‘it‘ is… Basically, getting a job is hard when there is the constant stream of doubt that whatever I do I will fail at.

This feeling of being trapped under my own inhibitions makes me sick. And within that single moment, where I can’t even pay for polos, that claustrophobic isolation places me in a situation where I have no where to turn to.

I don’t deserve most things and there is no way around that fact, but what is the cure for failure?

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Multitaskation is my new word for what I need to learn to master.

I have a number of things I need to be doing. One of which, in order to save my sanity, is to update this blog more. I will now aim to update more regularly.

In other news, I have made the somewhat close to certain, if a little 90%ish, decision to not go back to University. I have found that it is not for me right now. I may return to it later in life but right now it is not what I want to be doing. So, this means I need to find a drive in life, some sort of ‘vocation‘. However, the problem I have is that at the moment all I can think is ‘vacation‘.

I get so distracted from what needs to be done. But is that such a big deal?

In all honesty I don’t like being told what to do or what I should be doing. This is not because I am obstinate, but because I know that what I consider important for my life is more than likely not agreed with by others. I can’t stand to hear “oh Anna, you shouldn’t be doing that, you NEED to be doing [insert stupidity here]”. NO I do not need to do anything you say, I will decide for myself what I want to do.

What I should do is master the multitaskation involved in maintaining a life of purpose but also keeping the aspects of life that I enjoy as my main priority. Only because I totally and completely believe that I am at the age where it is paramount that I don’t take life seriously.

Making decisions that last a life time are out of the question. It is a time to try new things, to triumph at things, to fail at things, to realise what is right and wrong in my life.

I believe 21 is the age to experiment, not idly settle down.

Life has only just started.

I don’t take life seriously. I will. But not yet.

All I want to be able to do is muddle through my life, in my own way and at my own pace. Is that so hard to ask?

In my eyes at the moment all I need to do is: survive, get up in the morning, have fun and stay happy and all I want to do is learn how to master multitaskation of these all by myself.

It is my life to do what I want with it. 

Rant over and out.

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Instant Gratification

Self regulation.

This idea of instant gratification, that instead of resisting the temptation for an immediate contentment and waiting for a later satisfaction, I just go for it there and then.

I’ve touched on this before.

Everything in my life is run on what I want right now, in the moment. I fail to look ahead.

I fail even if delaying on decisions and actions would lead to better success, I tend to ignore it to reap the pleasures of right now.

I always buy clothes without thinking that maybe I won’t like them in a few weeks or I could actually use that money for something better.

I always indulge in the company of new people to the point where I seem to abandon everyone else I know.

I don’t NEED to do these things, I just WANT to do these things at that moment in time.

I have no will power. I cannot resist good things. I have no patience. No self control.

I sometimes think this is why I lack motivation in most things and find it so incredibly difficult to motivate myself. I have nothing to strive for because I have already exhausted the thrill of right now, before even beginning to think about the possible future benefits.

But then again…

I had the opportunity of leaving university and I took it. I could have stayed, seen it to the bitter end, got my degree. Done and dusted. Instead I chose the path of waiting, getting better, then returning and getting the degree that I will do to the best of my ability.

Slugging through vs. higher academic success?

I chose right, right?

Maybe when it really matters I make the right call. But in all other aspects of my life I honestly don’t think I do.

If prolonged I see new things become boring and not so fun any more. My impatient way of life sees me not appreciating the long term evolution of my decisions. Instant gratification is what it says, instant.

I should be looking for fun that lasts into the long term, surely?

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A few weeks ago I wrote about how I need to be alone to work out how to function being alone.

Typical that as soon as I get into that frame of mind new people come along to distract me. All is made worse by the fact that I have no self-discipline when it comes to spending time with certain persons. If I know I am going to have fun then I will go for it.

Do it first, deal with it later. 

New places and new people mean that things are exciting at the moment.

It’s so good.

I suppose having bad times for prolonged amounts of time makes me want to gorge myself when good times come around.

I know that I have to act cautiously however, and must still remind myself:

One day at a time.

One step at a time.

I must walk before I can run.

I can’t jump in at the deep end regardless of how fun it looks.

But having literally no self-control makes this very difficult (which, on a side note, is why dieting is just a no-go area for me!). I can’t harbour self-control because I can’t seem to understand why I have to rein myself in and restrict myself from what I enjoy.

But obviously it is because the gorging of good times leads to devastation in the crippling withdrawal symptoms when taken away. It’s like an addiction, a cycle that I enter every time:

Things are fun…I am happy with them…Start to feel safe…Wait, doubtfulYep it’s all gone…I’m alone…This is badCrushed…Depressed…Rinse and repeat…

Despite the proof I still feel that maybe it will happen but maybe it won’t. It’s another battle I have with myself constantly, kind of like that having an angel and a devil on my shoulders type thing.

Usually the devil wins with the justification that “you don’t need to concentrate on protecting yourself from the end when you are having so much fun with them at the beginning! Just go for it! Yeah!”

So I am whole-heartedly aware that in the event of this cycle reaching completion I need to discipline myself so I am mentally equipped to survive. But I just can’t.

Maybe I just have my negative head on again. Or maybe I am being practical. I feel the two inconveniently go hand-in-hand.

It’s the Angel vs. Devil syndrome.

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Jet Lag

Jet lag is weird.

With my lack of sleep and my uncategorical need to be awake at 4am every day I have much time to contemplate many things.

Firstly, my need for wifi. I mean, what is that? I spent about £35 on wifi in the hotel, when I am only away for about 10 days and there are many places around Sydney where wifi is free. What does that say about me?

I feel guilty because it appears I am ungrateful for the opportunity to witness how truly stunning Australia is. But I’m definitely not. What I have seen has been amazing and I am so lucky to have these opportunities.

However, I think what is a blessing is also a curse.

Having means of communication where you can see, speak to and hear someone instantly means that you are never alone. But when that is taken away it is literally like you’ve lost a limb or something.

I am not ungrateful, I am just living without a limb.

Secondly, I like Australia. I really do.

People live differently here than back home in the UK. The sun has been shining the entirety of our stay, I feel lighter and happier.

No worries.

I wish I could live by a beach like the beaches in Sydney, I want to have grown up by the beach, I want to be tanned all year round (instead of totally lobster red all over for just a two week holiday).

Home is busy. Home is stressful. But not here. Here I have escaped, it’s so good.

So, these exhaustion induced ramblings are what I think about when it is 4am. Enjoy or endure.

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